The Value of an Open Journal
N.01
Like with everything, the value of journaling comes from the enjoyment it brings to you. Why make that process public though? That's the question I'll be exploring in the first post on this blog.
I won't be trying to sound smart or appeal to an audience. Some posts might be long, some might be short, this blog will be an open platform for me to share my thoughts, whatever they are. I'll most likely talk about a mix of personal topics, like life and art as well as Jiu-Jitsu. Whatever the topic will be, I'll do my best to make whatever I write here as genuine as possible.
So why am I choosing to share this journal so that anyone can see? First I want to go back in time a bit to the beginning of the dreaded lockdown era. I had just come off the back of losing a couple of competitions (quite badly injured in the more recent one) and breaking up with my girlfriend at the time. The realization was seeping in that it might be a while before I competed again or saw any type of outward victory. So I set myself a rule. I wouldn't post anything on social media, until I won my next competition. That was a rule I stuck to, and my next post came 2 years later in my first competition after that period.
Why did I set myself that rule at the time? To the me of almost 5 years ago, there was no purpose in sharing any part of myself unless it was some outward accomplishment. If I wasn't achieving something, I had no value and had nothing to share. That mindset drove me towards some results, as it does for many, then inevitably towards burn out and despair.
A few years later, the vast and crazy experiences of life hit me and I was forced to change my perspective on a tonne of things. Initially I began to post more on social media as a way of growing my career, yet this always felt wrong, dishonest. Then I started to understand myself better, my deep rooted need for perfection and how that encroached on each aspect of my life. How could I overcome those unrealistic standards I set for myself? The first step was to accept my humanity, allow myself to make mistakes.
Sharing about matches I lost was one of the first things I began to do. It felt great to release that part of myself, whereas before I would have suppressed and hid it away, leaving it to grow into a more violent insecurity. Yet that still wasn't the full picture of me. I was still hiding parts of myself back. There's not necessarily any problem with that. I don't share now as some kind of compulsion to show every aspect of myself to the world, not for any kind of attention. I share now because why not. There were too many times where I stopped myself from sharing something for the fear of people's perception.
For years I withheld my taste in music, interest in art and manga, my opinions and even my own face (podium pictures don't count) for fear of judgement. Even if it was perfectly natural to share some aspects of my person, I would instead build barriers with the excuse of being mysterious. So now I allow myself to flow freely (to the best that I can) and slowly try to accept more and more of myself. Completely judgement free.
Ultimately Instagram was too short for all the thoughts I have to record. These are the words of a recovering Over-Thinker afterall.
